He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
