i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
