How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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