Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
