I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
