im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
