got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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