I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
