How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she looked like the before picture.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
