Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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