I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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