We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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