i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
well you can't waste a boner
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
