I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
