Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
