i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
