I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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