I'm eating all of the evidence.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
