Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
