My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
