How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
