your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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