My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
