I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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