After last night, I could never be a politician.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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