Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
