i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
