we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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