I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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