i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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