I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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