i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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