I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
