I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
