if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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