just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
