I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
