i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We don't watch enough power rangers
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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