Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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