I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
