Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The air was thick with penises
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
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I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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