checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
