You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
