my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
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How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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