god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I looked at my own cervix.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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