My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize