I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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