I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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