it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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