Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
