I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
