She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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