...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
