someone threw a dead crab at me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
