Just fell off a train. Bad.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He better not be in your backpack
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
